Houghton Lake Resorter | Holiday Harmony: 5 Tips to Sleigh Family Gatherings
This time of year, the image of family harmony and happiness is everywhere – from commercials to television shows and beyond. But what if your family gatherings feel less like a Hallmark movie and more like a survivalist competition? Holidays are a mix of joy and stress for most of us, but with some planning and practical strategies, you can successfully navigate tricky situations.
First, set boundaries. Be honest about the ways in which you can contribute and participate in family gatherings. If necessary, limit your exposure to challenging relatives by excusing yourself from extended gatherings or spending a shorter period of time there. Having an exit strategy is key – if emotions escalate, politely excuse yourself with a prepared line such as, “I think I need a moment to step away and grab some fresh air.”
Second, focus on shared values and activities whenever possible. Family stress often arises when we focus on differences rather than what we have in common and brings us together. By shifting attention to shared interests and values, potential conflicts can be diffused. Many families have holiday traditions, such as baking, volunteering, and decorating that can foster a sense of shared purpose. No current family traditions? Consider creating some together this year.
Third, manage expectations and accept imperfections. This is a tough one for a lot of people, especially given the impact of social media. Holiday stress often comes from trying to meet unrealistic expectations – either our own or those of others. Adjust your mindset to remind yourself that it’s okay if everything doesn’t go as planned. Injecting some humor into unexpected challenges can go a long way. Remind yourself that the goal is to enjoy time together and who knows, maybe your misstep will go viral?
Fourth, prepare for potential conflicts. Even with all of the planning and preparation, disagreements can arise. Add into the mix any number of current events and family get togethers can feel more like navigating a minefield than enjoying a peaceful gathering. Using some strategies can prevent minor incidents from turning into major blowups. If you notice you are getting upset, take some deep breaths and count to 10 before you respond to a discussion or situation that is bothering you. If you are considering speaking up, you may want to first use the “3 Question Rule” attributed to comedian Craig Ferguson. Ask yourself, “Does something need to be said? Am I the person who needs to say it? Is now the time to say it?” If you answer “yes” to those three questions, you have a firm belief that you not addressing the situation at that very moment is unacceptable. More often than not, we will find that our answer is “no” to one or more of those questions. If so, wait until you have more time and energy to think it through as you can’t un-ring the bell. Another tip is to try to redirect the conversation to a more neutral topic by saying something like, “Let’s save this for another time and focus on enjoying the holiday.” Finally, make an effort to focus on empathy by trying to understand the other person’s perspective, even if you disagree. This can be challenging but goes a long way in turning down the heat of conflict.
Fifth, practice kindness and patience. One of the easiest ways to decrease frustration from misunderstandings is to assume good intentions. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a gift that costs you nothing and for which you will benefit. Don’t forget to be patient with yourself as well - take breaks, ask for help, and show yourself some grace during this stressful time.
As “First Time Humans” we are all learning as we go. Here’s to a holiday season filled with patience, kindness, and harmony for you and your family
Dr. Stacey R. Gedeon is a clinical health psychologist and founder of SRG Healthcare Consulting and Professional Coaching, PLLC (srghcc.com). The content of this column is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice or services in her capacity as a licensed psychologist. If you have suggestions for future topics on managing everyday challenges, please submit them!
